It’s that time again–Bachelor. Breakdown. Let’s. Go.
We open on Bekah swimming alone, while the other women discuss the age gap between herself and Arie. Krystal says she’s really proud of Arie for sending Lauren S. home (whom, as you will recall, was described by Krystal as an “amazing beautiful soul,” as if she were speaking at her funeral, and not to a room full of women competing for the love of one man.)
Chris comes in and makes a long, drawn out announcement that they will be traveling to Lake Tahoe. The girls flip out because, yay! They lasted long enough to get another free trip!
Lake Tahoe looks gorgeous, but also eerily similar to the creepy movie we just watched on Netflix, Open House, so hard pass for me on Lake Tahoe.
The women check out their cabin and it looks like Kendall was hired to decorate, because there is taxidermy EVERYWHERE. Vacation rental company–you best go over that cabin with a fine tooth comb when the ladies peace out, because I wouldn’t be surprised if Kendall tries to tuck an antlered animal or two into her suitcase.
A date card arrives and it goes to Seinne. If you’ll recall, Seinne went to Yale and is way out of Arie’s league (basically spoken by Arie himself). If he doesn’t send her home on this date, she might just send herself home.
Arie swings by to pick up his date, and I am proud of him for not pulling the Kentucky Doorbell (cause he’s driving around in a truck that looks like he’d do that). Krystal makes some snide remarks during a one-on-one that she basically hopes Seinne goes home, so she can spend more time with Arie.
Some producer or intern cleverly left a stash of binoculars, so of course the women are all hunched together on the balcony trying to spy on the one on one date–despite the fact that they truly have no idea if the people they see on the water is Arie and Seinne. Meanwhile, A & S are having a parasailing adventure over the water, which as Seinne points out, is kind of like a metaphor for love..you don’t say!
Seinne bluntly asks him if he brought her on the one on one to maybe kick her off, since that happened with Lauren. Arie babbles on about something, and honestly I just want S. to get back to that mansion with a rose to shove in Krystal’s face.
Maquel gets a phone call from her mom and learns that her grandfather just passed away. We see her pack her bags and she immediately leaves, but I have a sneaky feeling that she’ll be back.
Group date card! The names are called as the suspenseful music mounts, and at the end Bekah’s face tells us that yes! Her name is not on that group date card! She gets a one on one! Bekah watch out because Krystal might stab you before you can make it to that date! #nobutreally
Flash back to the one on one. S. keeps bringing the heat and asks him why he hasn’t been in love since he was last on a television show. S. then tells him why she feels hesitations and anxieties about this whole setup–from watching her parents struggle in their marriage, to the fact that there just aren’t enough rom coms or princess stories with women who look like her (African American women), and Arie basically grabs the rose after that to give to her. Smart move, Arie, she’s the best. I’m rooting for her…to become the next Bachelorette. Here’s to hoping she’s the next Bachelorette, because she’s smart and interesting and beautiful and has intelligent things to say.
And now we get another classic Bachelor trope–random concert wth random people and a random band.
Group date, let’s go! Krystal rambles on about compatible personalities and how she’s secure but incompatible personalities need to go! They proceed to hike through the woods. Kendall says “this is the kind of date for me,” and we’re all kind of thinking she’s looking for more poor little buddies to add to her collection.
The group meets up with a retired Green Beret–and if I was in that group, I would be like “Oh, okay, I’m already dead.” Marikh echoes my sentiments with a “I think we all might die today,” as the Green Beret’s wife warns everyone of the multitudes of black bears in the area.
And okay. Now things get weird, weirder than that time they had to drink goat milk! They are all handed bottles and instructed to pee in them. NO THANK YOU, I’M OUT.
Arie just goes for it and I want to vomit up my dinner. One woman almost follows suit, but Arie stops her and tells her it’s just apple juice. COUNT ME OUT AGAIN, BRO, THAT AIN’T A FUNNY JOKE!
Now, we crossover with Fear Factor and everyone has to eat worms. Krystal is not into it and blames it on other women aggressively seeking his attention. She says that “it’s not a level I play at,” meaning she is above eating worms to get a man’s attention.
Kendall steals Arie away and they makeout in the woods, and probably exchange the worms and whatnot that they just ate.
And now, it’s crossover with Amazing Race. Everyone gets a team and a pack and a map. Brittany is frustrated because she’s not on Arie’s team. And I can’t say that I blame her, because all ofthe non-Arie teams are totally and hopelessly lost. I really want them all to pull it together to prove that you do not need a man to hike through the mountains! COME ON LADIES! GIRL POWER!
Arie’s group of course makes it to the little mountain cabin . There is some kind of weird convo happening in the hot tub and Krystal is getting pissed because there are other women on the date who are paying attention to Arie. HOW DARE THEY?!
The other women arrive, and Krystal compares everyone to high schoolers and it’s like, she’s at a camp and she’s the counselor, and OMG you guys, she’s almost thirty and she’s SO over this. Is this real life? (Hate to break it to you Krystal, but that phrase is almost ten years old. I know because I named a FB album “Is This Real Life?” in 2009 when it was relevant.)
Arie gathers all the women together later and they have some group processing. Wow, it really is starting to feel like a high school retreat! Krystal says it’s exhausting to watch. “I’m not sure what I’m going to say, but ….um whatever I do, I have a feeling it’s going to be perfect.” Sleep with your doors locked tight, ladies. And hide the knives.
Arie steals Lauren B. and I’m like, “who is she?” They cozy up by the fire, and I zone out for a minute, but I guess they had a great talk because they’re suddenly making out. Arie then talks to Kendall and tells her she was so brave today when she was stuffing herself with worms and other grubs. Arie is thinking “you’re weird and I’m thinking we could get weird together, and I dig it.” Kendall promises Arie that she’ll bring one of her taxidermy creations to the rose ceremony.
As usual, Chelsea is obsessed with the group date rose. Krystal tells everyone she felt challenged being in a large group date. No duh, Krystal. In an aside, Krystal tells us the other women don’t have any self identity, they don’t know who they are, and it’s so juvenile, blah blah blah.
As this happens, Krystal finally gets some alone time with Arie. Krystal tells Arie she has a target on her back. Yes. You have a target on your back because you taped it there yourself. Krystal whines about the others feeling threatened by her and Arie jumps in to reassure her. Krystal starts to drum up the crocodile tears she has been saving for this very moment. Krystal quietly whispers to him that she needs one more minute when someone comes up to steal him. Krystal says she has been very compassionate towards everyone else. But she is above this and beyond this. She then walks in and says “hi friends.” Face palm.
“The immaturity here is just baffling.” — Direct quote from Krystal. Krystal says she’s not sure how she’s going to get through the rest of “these women” being eliminated. She pulls Tia and Caroline aside. Tia says “this is starting to look like a pattern when she doesn’t get her way.”
Krystal accuses them that they were making fun of her. Tia is like “please don’t play the victim” as Krystal says “it was really hard for me to get the one on one so early” and Tia was like “we know you were talking about us to Arie,” and Krystal was like “but you hurt my feelings, wahhh.” Tia shut her down and was like “you hurt everyone’s feelings, byyyee,” and she goes to talk to Arie. Tia smoothes things over and they make out. Arie rejoins the ladies to hand out the group date rose, and Caroline says, in regards to Krystal, that “Tia is going to speed bag Krystal’s face.” (I had to ask Matt what “speed bag” means, and he said “like Sugar Ray Leonard.” YIKES. I believe Tia would do it.) Tia gets the group date rose, and Krystal waxes on some more about how she’s above this, and she’s tired of the immaturity or whatever.
We are finally allowed to move on from this debacle. They women are back at the cabin and Krystal says she’s proud of herself for overcoming so many challenges. It’s so hard, you know, because she’s flawless so she has a target on her back. I can’t help but be reminded of this:
We finally get to move on from Krystal and see Arie’s date with Bekah. They go to ride horses, and the risk management in me is like “WAIT! You might need to get a signed waiver from her parent/guardian!” I’m sorry, but I just can’t stop with the age jokes.
Kendall and someone (Ja-kwellan, I think), have a discussion about Bekah’s age and how she’s probably not ready to settle down. Later on, we’re treated to a convo between Chelsea and Caroline about Bekah’s age. It’s finally revealed in the preview before commercial break that Bekah is 22…and I do have to say, despite all my jokes about her age, she seems way more mature than I was at 22, so girlfriend, if you want to get married, go for it.
They have a conversation about chemistry, and being ready, and how do you know, and I’m like “well, you know when you know.” Arie starts talking about how he is worried about their age gap. Like, he’s getting old and boring and what are your hobbies? Bekah suddenly stops and says “wait do you know how old I am?”
He says no, and she is SUPER hesitant to say, but she tells him and he’s like, “uh, wait. what?” Arie is ready to slam the brakes. He’s like you’re not ready. I need to know if you’re ready.
And she’s like “uh well I have feelings for you but at this point I can’t give you the reassurance you need.” SEE?! She’s way more mature than all those other women. Not that I’m trying to make a case for her to stay, but it’s just annoying that all of a sudden he’s hung up on her age. Like, bro, if she was super immature and annoying like lots of early 20 somethings are, she would have been gone by now. Arie decides to give her a rose and “proceed with caution.”
Cocktail party time! Jenna tells us the room is filled with tension. If you don’t know, Jenna is this season’s Ashley S. (the onion girl). A very low key version, but oddball all the same. Krystal gives a speech and I zone out, and Kendall sums it up perfectly when she says, “I feel like she’s saying something she read in a book about public speaking.” Bekah says everyone has made up their mind that Krystal is two faced and nobody likes her.
Speaking of minds that have been made up, Chris Harrison comes in and informs the ladies that Arie has decided to skip the drinks and head straight to the rose ceremony. Classic Bachelor move! Krystal starts to panic.
BUT WAIT! Krystal as usual, decides she needs special attention so she interrupts Arie and asks to talk to him privately. Everyone else is literally like “UGGGHHHHHHH this is classic Krystal!”
Krystal is going on about their connection…it sounds like she is saying something about the other girls and respect, but it’s hard to pick up her baby whisper and the producers aren’t giving us subtitles. Krystal is like “I’m not here to play games…and I respect your decision.” Okay, but you didn’t respect his decision to not have a cocktail party and attempt to go straight to the roses.
Roses: Lauren B.; Kendall; Ashley (who?); Becca K., Chelsea, Jenna, Ja-kwellan, Marikh, KRYSTAL.
Who goes home: Caroline and Brittany. Brittany’s goodbye interview breaks my heart. I want to give her a hug and say, “hang in there girl! You’ll find someone way better!” Caroline is too focused on Krystal still being there. Same speech for you, Caroline–you’ll find yourself a man that deserves you, not a man who deserves Krystal.
Voiceover of Krystal saying “I need to make sure it’s Arie and me at the end,” as the camera zooms in on her fake smile face, and in this moment I am very, VERY scared for the other women.
Previews of next week show more Krystal drama! YAY! That is why America keeps watching. Keep it up, Bachelor producers! We close out with an aside between Chelsea and Marikh, where we learn that Chelsea was TOTALLY glam shaming Marikh during the day’s hike. I mean, first of all, HOW DARE YOU, Chelsea?!?! Chelsea insist that she has and always will be “pro glam,” but only time will tell if this proves to be true.
What are your all’s thoughts on this week’s episode?!? I’m happy that we are finally getting some juicy drama going.