We open on the ladies rehashing the previous night’s cocktail party. Krystal continues to be the “I’m here for Ari not to make friends” girl. Everyone else continues to dislike Krystal.
Group date time! This group date is smaller, but includes Bibiana and Krystal, so you know a fight is going to go down–especially because this group date is set in a boxing ring! It is the Glob–the “Gorgeous Ladies of the Bachelor” wrestling. Really starting to see a trend in aggressive group dates here.
Two original Glow women show up to teach them some moves. (FYI: Glow is “Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling,” which was a real thing back in the 70s/80s, and now there is a Netflix show about the whole deal.)
Arie says “I hope we all have a blast!” Really, Arie?!? You want everyone to have a blast when you’ve literally put women who want to fight each other, into a ring to fight with each other? Classic oblivious man move.
The original women from Glow stand around and taunt everyone, because I guess they think that’s the best way to approach this, or they want to get punched in the face? Tia has a breakdown, followed by Bibiana. “Little Egypt” makes fun of Bibiana’s name and mother, and I’m literally holding my breath because I thought Bibiana might stab her. Bibiana and Tia cry in a stairwell together and have a real bonding moment.
Here comes the performance–it kicks off with Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King However Many More Names He has taking on Arie in the ring. I zone out during this as I try to recall which season he was on. (It was Rachel. Which was just last spring. Remembering stuff is, like, really hard, you guys.)
Krystal really goes to town on Ja-kwellan. (Another thing that’s hard is spelling Jacquelyn. Awkard to type too. We’ll just go with this version from the Key and Peele Substitute teacher skit.) Next Marikh and Lauren B come up and it’s “weirdly sexual,” as very accurately described by Bekah.
Bibiana and Tia get out there, have a great time, and do their fake wrestling thing, and are immensely proud of themselves. I mean, this could basically be an after school special with all those fuzzy feel good feelings!
The group date continues at some outdoor bar made up of Airstream homes, and I’m once again distracted as I recall fond days in high school when we would have sleepovers at my friend’s house, in the old school bus her parents converted to a camper. (Before you think I lived a wild life, we played cards, drank soda, and talked about who we were going to ask to prom–real crazy).
I tune back in right as Krystal steals Arie away, and you can practically see steam coming out of Bibiana’s ears. Krystal whispers in her baby-sexy voice, “should I kick back on these group dates or be aggressive?” He tells her to do whatever, so way to take a stand there Arie.
Meanwhile, Bibiana continues to complain about it and not try to go get one-on-one time with Arie. So now she’s going to go tattle, which EVERYONE knows is a death sentence on the Bachelor. Arie says “I hope she’s able to concentrate on us and not get caught up in the drama.” See, Bibi? DEATH SENTENCE.
Krystal joins the rest of the women and tries to be cool, but nobody likes her so it gets awkward real fast. Tia cozies up to Arie and they have a little conversation about overcoming obstacles or something (I got distracted because I received an email from the local blog that said “Ghostly Fox Appears on Man’s Porch.” I mean, who wouldn’t be distracted by that?!)
Back at the mansion, Lauren S. (who is she?!?) gets the one on one and Chelsea dies. RIP, Chelsea.
Bekah and Arie are having alone time, and Bekah is all like “omg, high school was so fun, right?!? Can’t believe I just graduated, lol!” Okay, she didn’t say that, but that’s how it played out in my head. However, she ends up getting the group date rose so I guess she said something right! Krystal gets pissy about it but plasters a smile on anyway.
Krystal has some conversation with Marikh that goes like “I’m so tired, I work so hard…but I’m going to win so I guess I just have to put up with this process.”
Lauren s. and Arie take off to Napa Valley. They drink wine, stroll through the vineyard (and eat grapes right off the vine–wash those off first, please!), and enjoy cheese as they talk about growing old and wearing cardigans. They have a nice dinner and dive into relationship talk. Lauren is ALL OVER THE PLACE and she knows it. She’s nervous and has a pretty severe case of word vomit. Arie picks at his food as if he has already zoned out. He’s thinking it might be time to cut some Laurens out of the mansion.
The last group date care of the week arrives. “Have a rough date,” Krystal reads, and the girls start to panic but one woman says “dogs?” and we see that “rough” is actually “ruff.” Cue the freaking out, and I am freaking out to because OMG WE GET TO SEE PUPPIES!!!!! Annaliese apparently had a traumatic experience with dogs, so she’s going to cry again.
We flip back to the one on one, and Lauren S. is still spazzing out, so Arie does not give her the rose. Some intern or another shows up at the house to take her suitcase, and of course all of the girls freak out. Krystal immediately jumps in with her two cents, and lets everyone know that Lauren S. is an amazing, beautiful soul and she loves her so much…and then my eyes glaze over because it’s Krystal. In short, we see more women trash talking Krystal in their interviews.
The group date is already amazing because there are doggies!!! YAY!
Annaliese tells us of her traumatic experience with dogs–which is of course more understandable than being scared of bumper cars. We see another black and white flashback with some brilliant editing of these scrawny dogs trying to look fierce.
So Chelsea goes first for the dog show, and she can’t get the dogs to do anything. Meanwhile, some random toddler wanders onstage, and her mom jumps up and hauls her off, and Matt and I are both like “that would be Aida.”
Annaliese takes on the role of pooper scooper and she does not have a meltdown. Oh, good job, Annaliese!
The group date moves on to the drinking portion, and I’m just disappointed the dogs are gone. Why can’t they just include dogs more on the Bachelor? It would add so much. We need “Dog Lover” from Prince Farming’s season to return.
Chelsea talks about how it’s difficult being away from her child, but this opportunity is important for her–the opportunity to maybe become a model and be a social media influencer and provide for her son in that manner, rather than slave away at a desk job all day! Duh!
Caroline has a little convo and they make out, and Matt exclaims, “you been smoochin’ with everybody! Cliff, bony bob. Little moe with the gimpy leg.”
Some blonde went straight goth and kind of thew herself on him, and Arie definitely wasn’t putting the brakes on that. Annaliese has an awkward conversation about how she’s nervous, and before she can make a move, Chelsea rolls in and takes her second spin with Pillow Lips. Bekka comes up next and also makes out with Arie. Chelsea gets the group date rose, so we have another week of Chelsea being the Worst. (Except she really hasn’t been living up to my expectation of her being the Worst. So next week she better step up her drama.)
Bibiana has a long monologue about needing alone time with Arie, and calls Krystal a “selfish word-that-rhymes-with-witch.” Lauren B. and Arie, however, stumble upon the stargazing setup that Bibiana arranged and fully take advantage of it. Bibiana goes off in search of her prey, and immediately interrupts the makeout with Lauren B., and Arie actually asked for five more minutes. Meanwhile, Arie walks every other woman back to the romantic setup, as if it’s a special alone place he set up just for that one woman.
Bekah tells him he’s attracted to her because she doesn’t need him to complete her. They makeout. (This daybed is seeing a lot of action tonight. I hope they get an intern to wash it.)
Annaliese reapplies lipstick and declares she will kiss Arie tonight. Arie escorts Tia over to some hay bales and presents her with a gift of moonshine. Because she’s country. Major eye roll from me over those stereotypes. Annaliese takes Arie up to the balcony so she can, I don’t know, channel Romeo and Juliet? Probably a bad fictional couple to channel. Annaliese straight up asks him to kiss her, and he was like “I don’t think we’re there yet.” Ouuuccchhhh. However, he has managed to kiss all the other women.
Annaliese has a cry, then decides to confront him, which I felt like was the right move. Like, bro, if you don’t think you won’t to kiss her, or that you have physical connection, why are you keeping her around? Arie’s like “Oh, I haven’t thought about it, but now that you mention it, yeah okay I don’t see a future with us.” I liked Arie a little bit less after that. (But to be honest, Annaliese is also hard to spell, so maybe this is for the best.)
As we enter the rose ceremony, everyone is reeling over Annaliese going home. Krystal is like “I feel confident,” no shocker there. With Lauren S. and Annaliese out of the picture, that means he’s only sending one more woman home…so this should get interesting.
Caroline, Bekah , Kendal Hearts Taxidermy, Ashley, Lauren B., Brittane, Becca K. (first one on one date),Seinne (out of his league)Krystal, Tia, Maquel, Jenna, J-kwellyn, Marikh.
Bibiana is the only one to get cut from the rose ceremony. Bibiana will be remembered as the girl who spent most of her time complaining that she didn’t get to talk to Arie, instead of actually talking to Arie. Also–recall what I said at the beginning of this post during the group date–DEATH. SENTENCE. Let this be a lesson to all future Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants.
Previews for next week’s episode tells us there will be drama, there is the obligatory hot tub date, and we realize that the title of the episode is likely something along the lines of, “Krystal Continues to Dig Her Own Grave.”
So, friends, did anyone else watch? Honestly, I find Arie to be kind of boring. I hope the women step up their drama so this can be more interesting to watch.