Do you ever look back on moments in your life and think, “that was it, that was the moment that changed everything?” Or do you realize it in the moment, that your life will be completely different from that moment forward?
When I think back to big moments in my life, I don’t think I ever thought at the time the way it would change me. Before my first date with Matt, I was full of nerves and too much food, but it never crossed my mind that I might be on a first date with my future husband. Perhaps I felt it on the drive home, under clear skies and a full moon, blasting the Naked and Famous, but I don’t think I could have pinpointed what I was feeling in that moment. Looking back now, I think “yes, that first date completely altered the course of my life,” but if you had asked me then, it would have just been an amazing first date.
Yesterday, I had an appointment with my GI doctor. As I walked up the sidewalk–a walk I had made hundreds of times before–I considered how much this visit would change me. In my hand I carried a small, brown bag that contained a box of six Humira pens. I was getting ready to start a relatively new drug for the treatment of my Crohn’s and I was a wreck. I was a hot mess of nerves and anxiety, which certainly wasn’t helping my intestine situation, but I could not settle down.
My entire summer has been spent in this weird limbo of whether or not I will have surgery, and when I might start this treatment. Even after it was finally decided I would give Humira a shot (pun intended), it took almost three weeks to get to where I am today. I am relieved to finally be doing something, I am relieved to finally be seeing a light at the end of the steroid tunnel, but my future is still a big question mark. Will this work, or make things worse? Will I be completely fine taking this, or will I end up with one of the rare but very scary side effects?
Life changing moments never happen the way we think they should. There’s no big reveal, no dramatic incident. It’s as simple as a walk on a sidewalk, done a thousand times before, and the realization that everything will change when you walk back.