As bloggers, I think we are all eager to share the best movies we’ve ever seen, both past and present. Let’s look on the flip side of that coin for a minute, and talk about the movies you should never watch. After all, wouldn’t it be ever so kind and gracious for someone to compile such a list, so that you can read it and never have to suffer through the same movies yourself?
Here are five of my Must Not Watch Movies:
1. The Mortal Instruments
I’m a little embarrassed to even admit that I read the books, but there it is. I could tell from the previews it wouldn’t be worth the money to see it in the theater, but one evening, I realized it was just us girls (Millie and me), so I decided to rent it. Ummmm, biggest waste of $4.99 EVER. The producers just decided to they would throw in some models with muscles and nice hair, and call it a day. It barely followed the plot in the book, and when it did, it was because they felt like they had to, like they were checking items off a list. It was dumb on so many levels and I elected to do laundry, TWICE, instead of watching the whole thing. I give this movie five bombs, which means I want it destroyed, never to see the light of day, ever again.
2. Dark Shadows
I didn’t even need to watch this movie to know it was a most displeasing knockoff of the original show. This movie gets three bombs, because it at least gave the OG enough attention to show up on the Netflix instaque.
|I could not sacrifice even one plot line.|
First of all, I totally understand this was someone’s life story, but this was the most anticlimactic movie EVER. They spent the majority of the movie playing up the tension after the accident, and the subsequent divorce, and then it just ENDS with a little caption at the end that says, “bee tee dubs, they got back together and had a family, super cheer!” Really? I sat in the front row of a movie theater with adolescent girls giggling all around me to see that? This one gets another three bombs–for the producers, directors, and writers who wasted money, talent, and a legitimately fascinating real-life story on a less-than mediocre movie.
4. The Ruins
My friends and I went to see this while we were in college. We had just returned from a service trip to Mexico, so we thought a scary movie about old ruins in Mexico would be a great idea. We were so wrong. I’m a sucker for dumb, scary movies, as long as they’ve got a good, compelling mystery to go along with it. The Ruins had none of that. We watched, waiting for the plot to turn and for SOMEONE to finally explain what kind of ancient god had cast its curse upon the ruins, but in the end, it turned out to be nothing more than an evil plant that like to kill people. I give this one five bombs because I’m still angry about it.
|No evil plants lurking here.|
Oh Nicholas Sparks, you peaked in The Notebook, and it took me until The Last Song to fully realize that, when not even Greg Kinnear could save your sinking ship. The story was SO predictable (like most Nicky Sparks stories), and my friend and I basically spent the entire movie trying to guess which one would die tragically. Spoiler alert! It was Richard Gere! Boo hoo! Meanwhile, all the other women in the theater are in tears, but we can’t stop laughing because James Franco looks like he may have been high while filming, because his eyes were all squinty and lopsided. Three bombs for this one, because I at least got some measure of entertainment from watching.
Well readers, I know I’ve got plenty of other movies to not recommend, but these five stand out to me the most. Which movies make your hate list?